


Cry of the Dove

by Laviente



Series: Enigmatic Disaster [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist (Anime 2003)
Genre: Angst, Complete, Drama/Melodrama, M/M, POV First Person, Thoughts of Suicide, self reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-31
Updated: 2018-03-31
Packaged: 2019-04-16 08:31:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,630
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14160846
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Laviente/pseuds/Laviente
Summary: Left alone to contend with his own emptiness, Ed reflects on why Envy disappeared from his life.





	Cry of the Dove

**Author's Note:**

> This fic is relatively old as I wrote it a long time ago but it centers on a real life incident I went through that prompted this story. I decided to crosspost everything from FFN to here.

**Misery**

'Why'?

The question rolls over inside my mind. And yet, no answers come to me. Here I wait. The darkness silhouetting my figure in shadows, the cold chill like gnarled fingers grazes over my flesh, and I cannot help but shiver. The emptiness I am feeling, it's becoming a burden I can almost not bear. It's a weight that I can no longer carry and continue to take the strain alone.

Even my mind continues to run over the simple questions that give me no answers, and in the night I find no comfort. Lonely one may call it. Seeing as there is now no one to comfort me. Every part of me just seeks to well over the pain that I am feeling, to abolish all the trepidation. To gouge out the hollow of my heart as I seem to falter to my own self pity. Yet, I find some comfort in my own loneliness. Something about the darkness, the shadows that envelope me and wrap me up in their ebony blanket. I can hear my own breathing as I slow my own intake, the chill in the air freezes my lungs and yet, I don't seem to care as I keep such a deft focus upon the vast sky above. The twinkling dots of white glow like majestic lights of grandeur within a wondrous painting. It is almost as if the serene moment was nothing but an image of fantasy, a falsification to truth, I still see beauty in it. Something about it I find... Alluring.

The sky it's such a vast sea of infinity. It's fathomless stretch falling into an undaunted dance of colors so vibrant and translucent. Even the indigos and violets... Violet. That color. Why am I dwelling so heavily upon it? What personification would make me so drawn to an indifferent hue that I seem to find no relation to? What is making me so drawn to it? Am I fooling myself? Is this travesty of a life I am wrapping myself up in got me so blinded that I cannot even see the simplest of reasons why I am starting to allow myself to be slowly taken away? To falter to the grips of misery and sorrow to the point where I am beginning to forget just what is most important?

What is happening to me?

The destitution. How could I have allowed myself to become so weak? So insignificant? So minuscule? Have I really lost sight of who I am? Have I started to fade so far into disillusion that I've began to convince myself I can handle my own problems without the aid of another? Have I really lead myself to believe I can take the world on alone?

Again, why? This lonely path is so empty, so desolate. No life. No existence. And here I am walking it, trying to find my way, always searching for something that calls to me silently. Despite the cold darkness, my own body senses it. And I am drawn. Inclining forward I let a heavy sigh surpass my lips and a lax comes to my angelic pinions. Someone may say I look like a fallen angel. I beg to differ. For anyone who looked hard upon me would see nothing more than a tattered and broken soul. Defeated and haggard. Flaxen tresses not housing the once sheer vibrancy they once held, but dulled and lackluster, my own ears pinned down beneath them. Once sheen glow now only a remnant of their once beauty. My own eyes start to burn with the first bouts of tears. Small droplets of crystalline white now fall from the dams that so desperately tried to hold then back, body shuddering now uncontrollably as I notice my barriers beginning to break and realization hitting. Like anvil to stone, my facade was shattered. I could no longer cater to the denial.

_I am falling..._

It's happening again. Like so many other times when I tried to admit to myself nothing was wrong, that I could survive on my own and that I'd manage even if I struggled, each new breakdown was worst then the last. And for once, I am beginning to understand that I can no longer continue on believing that I am strong enough. That I have... Grown and frail, become meager and broken. Like a delicate statue made of glass, the fear of breaking is constantly there. Each new day is another painful step forward to the realization that he isn't here. My heart continues to beat to its own rhythm. A singular beat with its own lonely tune, a melody that has no other to continue on in its symphony with. Or continue to induce rapture and compose the most beautiful of music. To play the special song that requires the conduction of two. Such is impervious now. Impossible. The mere thought of ever regaining that once blissful requiem that I so yearn and desire for, is gone. Such I can't partake in without him. Something I can't continue on without him.

_I am breaking..._

Now I realize the significance in that color. What it's very meaning is to me. And why I am now lingering intransigent upon the very reasons behind the beguile it has upon me. It's the memory which it brings, and with it, more grievance. Just like those eyes, the same fathomless pools of endless beauty. Oh how I enjoyed looking longingly into them and immersing myself into their mesmerizing gaze. The attraction that would continuously draw me back for more and to have those wonderful eyes upon me, almost as if each sweep was eating away at me hungrily. Needing. Their hues were so vibrant and filled with life and determination; pupils silt and constantly focused upon me. How they drank in my own body during the most intimate of moments. It's those eyes that I find myself missing the most about him. Just feeling their loving gaze upon me now would offer some semblance of amenity. However, those eyes are not here to watch me break and how I am now, slowly starting to lose control of my own sanity.

_I am fading away..._

Even now, I am finding it more and more difficult to retain composure. The path has become so long and winding, traveling in shadows with no light to lead me. I've been suffering the fatal blows that are shattering my will, and the simple fact that even as I sit here, trying to convince myself that everything will be okay, I am only telling myself a lie. Trying to mask my tribulation with hope and faith, well it only adds to the growing facade. The anguish becomes only stronger with each day that passes, each minute ticking to an eternity of knowing that I have been left on my own, and to continue forth without that one special person I've come to call my own. The very one I broke down my own barriers and took infliction for has long ago faded away. How can I manage such a devastating reality alone? How can I find myself without that deep voice to break the silence and lead me back from the shadows? How can I manage? Is there even a possibility for reaching sanctuary?

_I am slowly dying inside..._

How? The answers are eluding me. Continuously I am thrust into a whirlpool of devastation that continues on its relentless destruction of my own will. Even I have begun to convince myself that I can no longer handle the stress alone. That I am nothing, I am empty. I've become a former shell of a being once filled with fortitude and vigor. A man of the people. A savior and a hero. All those things now, gone. Left behind is a skeleton of the once prestigious champion whom overcame the worse of obstacles and horror. Who risked everything he had and brought peace back to a once chaotic state. The challenger who won all battles and succeeded. Who found victory and took grasp of it. Stood upon the highest pedestal and was admired and found a glory that was highly praised but is now a shadow of memory.

I am slowly becoming the shattered. Without him, without the one whom I found sole happiness in at my side, I am only broken, and without reason, or rationality. The very basis behind this accursed state which I've been forsaken to has yet been revealed to me. What have I done? Where have I gone wrong? Is there something I've committed to so wrong in my life that I'd be left to dwell on in this sorrow and melancholy? Isn't there an answer that I will be able to find? Is this how I am destined to be?

It stings. Like a needle to my flesh, I feel the sharp prick and the rivers run down my heated cheeks. It's becoming so much for me. Even my own heart cannot take it. Shaken sobs release from my own lips, eyes welded shut. Such misery, even the aftermath of his disappearance, I can't take it. I can't handle the affliction. I am just not strong enough. I don't have the strength to carry on.

Where did you go? Why did you leave? Wasn't I good enough? Didn't you love me? Where have I gone wrong? I never betrayed you. All the love and adoration, chastity and devote. I was nothing more than your perfect lover. Your angel and your salvation. Converted and molded to your every whim and desire. I wanted nothing more than to be the very existence of your soul and dream, to cater and satisfy you. I gave my all, my own life and soul. And yet, through all the trial, error and sweat and blood, I am still left standing here in the darkness, abandoned and outcast. Stricken with the unparalleled fact you're not here. That you just disappeared and here I am, taking on the world alone and without you, without your power and drive.

Don't you see that I need you?

Where are you now?

I'm so cold, so hollow. That's how you left me. Lifeless and void, despondent and vacant, factual circumference to my own ruined acumen. The simple fact being, you left me damned. I can only now asking the questions of worth and value. Why continue on? If you're not here, is there anything left for me? Do you think of me? What about remembering all the shared times we had together? Do you even whisper my name upon your own lips? Do I come to mind? What about the tastings of our intimacy? All those nights we shared alone. The moments locked in a passionate embrace and when our lips met. Do any of these things even remotely wish to drive you back? Can you hear the rhapsody of my own lament that calls from the night itself?

Will you ever return to me?

The downy thoughts of his smooth silken skin. So pale, so wondrous to my own finger tips. How I long for that once again. The craving is so strong. The need is so powerful. My mind continues to dwell on those very points in time when things were great and extraordinary and on the very pinnacle of moments when I had not a care in the world. He would cradle me in those lithe arms. Body so warm, despite he was slightly cooler, and the feel of his heart beat finding its own rhythm to my own. How we'd manage our own union as two beings that bound themselves to one another and began a journey together that sought to intertwine two lives. To breathe, live, converge, become. His very taste is still riddled upon my own tongue. His smell, touch, even the velvet-like strands of malachite tresses which spilled off his cranium in such inhuman perfection. Long, ebony ears that always seemed to twitch to each sound captured and the long, elongated tassel that he would continuously twine with my own. Such blissful memories, and here I sit, like a child reminiscing, wishing back for what it seems like I cannot have. I've been praying for deliverance, and motioning on for relief and continuously left to believe that this is all but a cruel and sick joke. But maybe, just maybe, I am but a hopeless dreamer.

What have I got left? What reason do I have to carry on if he won't be by my side? I've contemplated the thought so many times. Entertained the very idea of just seeking that endless slumber or perhaps, finding the apex of eternal peace where I won't have to endure the pain any longer. Why carry on if I have to continue within in this pitiful existence alone?

I've become lost. No. I've been lost. Since the day he left me. Without his presence, there is no other need to live within this nightmarish hell. Salvation, heh that I have lost. I have nothing. No will. No steeled heart, as disgusting as these words may seem. Even foul and crazy, there is nothing more I want now, and that is deliverance. The multitudes of wounds I have are crying for the grave, for solitude, for release. The screaming voices in mind tell me I'm just slowly dying inside, and rotting away from the inside out. That I am just wasting away, a cesspool of festering hate and regret. Even I scare myself with how apathetic I am slowly becoming. This simple fact is only professing the most destructive of tendencies. Hell is what I've been exiled to, and eternal damnation. And this, this is why I have no necessity to reveal in a false exuberance.

I'm shaking. Mixed emotions cause me to tremble as I mule over the methods for a simplistic end. I don't want any marks or any evidence. To simply disappear and vanish from the minds of everyone, that's how I want to finalize my last moments here. Even my ears crush to my skull at the thought, instant reaction of such a brash consideration. But I am left with no alternatives. No other roads. No options.

He's not here. He never will be. Ditched is the conclusion. Despite I still strongly love him, and always will. I may be committing to the biggest act of sin. But at this point, I could care less. I can't wash away the past now. Nor the hurt I am feeling. The wounds are too deep, and the malaise is immense. There is no way I will be able to manage through this.

The final destination has been reached and now all I see is one possible outcome. I hope you can see what drove me this far, even after I am gone. Will you remember me? Will you stand by where I once was and mourn your loss? Or will I simply become a distant memory soon to be forgotten? Will I matter enough that you will begin to hate your own decisions for leaving me behind? Can _I_ hope for any of this?

The tears are becoming hotter. Thicker the flows as I try to muster the strength to carry out my wills. The wind starts to blow colder, and the moon casts its scrutinizing glow upon me. My fingers curl around the very object that will bring me release and cast away the suffering. To incite the darkness that would envelope me within its welcoming blanket and send me forth into oblivion and leave me in a sweet torpor where I can find my long awaited peace. The one thing I've needed for so long. Surrender.

Quickly my pulse races, the blood, I can feel it surge through my veins as I draw the sharp edge closer. It's merciful surface coming to rest just over my valuable lifeline, where one quick slice would bring forth an end to all my misery. Courage I keep trying to call upon, everything telling me to just make the final cut, and the flame will go out. Cutting that one thing keeping me alive, severing its contact; but something in the distance like a faint whisper keeps calling to me, and each time, I stop. I curse myself for each delay. Why can't I get this over with?

What is bidding me to stop?

Alphonse. My friends. Are they the other pieces to this puzzle I cannot seem to finish? Are they another reason to carry on? Why? What good am I to them? ... To... Al?

Like my lover, I've done wrong by Al too. Everything that's happened to him was because of my own selfish greed to fill the desires of my own wants and cravings. Because I was a bastard and played with things I did not understand, I cost my brother the ultimate price. Even though I managed some rectification to that mistake, he's still left with the consequences. And with the fact he's not entirely whole. It's all because of my own narcissism, my own desire. I played God, we got burned. And it was Al who took the blunt of that bias deal.

Why would he even miss me? Someone who caused so much chaos and agony, someone like me? I am just a creature of calamity and stupidity. One who cost someone his life for one's own needs. I don't call that equivalent exchange. No. The longer I remain the further injustice I cause Al.

But even again I can't bring myself to complete my task. Fear grips my heart and I suddenly find it difficult to breathe. Fingers go numb, causing the object I sought confidence and dependence on, felling to the ground just before my feet, a scream echoes through the night and everything I had gathered to finish the circle, gone.

Even my own body can't handle the strain and I lose ability, crashing upon the earth in a sobbing, pathetic heap. Curled against myself, I cry to the darkness for comfort, begging and pleading, needing all the hurt to go away and screaming within my own mind to just let me slip quietly into eternity.

But such is not to come. Even my own request for release has been denied. The shackles upon my own imprisonment are removed, as something finally causes me to wake up to reality. To break from the disillusion that so easily clouded my mind and caused me to almost commit to another mistake, one that may have been more devastating than the last.

Despite the wracking fear and uncontrollable crying, I force myself upright; glazing at where I nearly ended my own life, and thankfully, no harm was done. But even so, will I be lead astray once more? Or will I finally be given the peace I so desire? Can I manage that task, alone?

He will return. A sensation within my own circumference of mind tells me that I've been denying myself from the actuality of what I was afraid of. That perhaps, just perhaps I won't be forever alone in this world. And that one day, he will indeed, return to me.

Even as hard as that seems, as enticing as it would be to just lay dying, so much would be missed to just find instant release. Without pain, without a battle, without fighting, there is no succession. No gain. No win. Quitting so soon in the game is a true sign of weakness, and perhaps, I am not as frail as I thought myself to be.

Still, I need him, my support and inspiration, my love and my life. The only thing I see reason to live this ultimate martyrdom. Without him, I cannot win the fight. It's his strength, passion and determination is what I need. It's in him, I find my own courage.

It's Envy that has embraced my entire world. Made me what I am now and opened up a whole new world to me. It's Envy that accepted me when no one else would and showed me passion and love in a world so bleak and wicked. It is Envy that I need now as I sit here within my darkest hour. It's that very Sin that which I've committed myself to so long ago. The very one who accepted our differences, and like me, came together as one.

Maybe I am his Sin. Maybe I am his burden. But for however long it takes, I will be here, waiting. Remaining loyal as I sit in continued silence for my beloved to return to me. My own heart never stopping its every beat for him and every breath I take are all done in his name. It's now this very promise alone I will make to myself to resist giving in and pray that I won't be alone for long. That all my aversion will dissipate into nothingness and I can manage to partake in existence until that day when all the emptiness is finally abolished. For that one day when I can finally live without the pain I so urgently want to wash away. I will wait, even if that means indefinitely.

It is you Envy; I will wait until my final breath for. Even if that means you never do return to me, I will be here waiting for when you step through that door and take me into your arms again and tell me everything will be all right. When that day comes, it is then I will have accepted that as my ultimate peace and finally soar.

Until then, I won't give up hope on that one day.

For it is you that all I really will and ever, need.

**Author's Note:**

> Indeed this was a very emotional story to write and even though it's angst based, I think I did enjoy writing it as it really helped with my writing growth at the time, which was something I needed.
> 
> Comments, questions, reviews? All are welcome. Even for works that are much older then my new stuff.


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